Don’t Singlehandedly Kill Your Relationship
“We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston
Is your relationship not what it used to be? Over time, have you and your partner replaced locking loving gazes with looks of disappointment? When did the butterflies fly away?
Bickering is like a slow death to a healthy vibrant connection. You begin to focus on the negatives and criticize what you don’t like. And this becomes a bad habit over time.
Instead of asking to be loved, you look for what is wrong with your partner. And what you focus on, you find. Every time.
So how can you reset this negative pattern?
Here are 3 ways…
- Pay attention to what’s right
Re-program your brain to focus on the good. Your partner is not ALL bad. Remember, what you focus on is what you will find. So, pay attention to the good. The goal is to shift the ratio to 5:1, that is, find 5 positives for every 1 negative.
Things to look for in your partner can be as simple as they “put away the dishes” or “made me a cup of coffee”. So, instead of elevating the annoying, sensitize to the ordinary that you’ve taken for granted, the ordinary that is kind, thoughtful, and loving.
- Proclaim the good
Just as easy as it is for you to nitpick and call out all the things you are dissatisfied with, you can also pick out the minute positive things about your partner.
Moreover, speak this out LOUD. Don’t just think it in your head. Tell your partner, “I noticed you put away the dishes, thank you” or “that was thoughtful of you to make my coffee”.
When you proclaim what is good, not only does it reinforce more of the same behaviour, but it also rewires your brain to see what you’ve stopped noticing and taken for granted.
- Check your heart
All complaints come from a place of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings. It is much easier to complain and bicker about what you don’t have than to ask for what you need.
There’s no vulnerability in being angry and complaining. You are not exposed to the potential of more hurt and disappointment.
Complaining to your partner that “you never plan dates” is much safer than confessing “I’m lonely and miss spending time together”.
Learn to be emotionally honest, speak the truth, and ask for what you want instead of complaining about what your partner hasn’t done.
If any of this resonates, I invite you to join the Connected Couple program where we will deep dive into the mistakes that couples make to keep them stuck and unhappy. Then you will master the core principles and practices to create the relationship of your dreams.
Everything I teach in this training is tried and true. First, in my own marriage, and then with thousands of clients and students over 25 years.
I truly believe that you can turn your relationship around. And what you do today will change the course for the years to come. Don’t waste more time and wait for things to get worse before you do anything about it (most couples do). Join me today in the Connected Couple. Now is the time.
P.S. If you want to see a difference in your relationship, you have to do something different. Join the Connected Couple today.