All couples fight, even happy ones. Some successful couples even have big arguments. But most couples DO NOT recover from a fight.
Here’s a typical scene. Partner A gets upset. They express this to Partner B. Partner B defends and explains themselves. Partner A then feels unheard and re-explains how they feel. Partner B follows suit and regurgitates their perspective. And on and on it goes.
Each round intensifies and escalates as both people feel unheard and misunderstood. Frustration ensues and finally, one partner throws in the towel and walks away exasperated.
But it doesn’t end there. Silence thickens for days or even weeks. Eventually, small talk begins about mundane logistics, “who’s picking up the kids from karate today?” or “we have dinner with the Smith’s tomorrow”. Then things get back to “normal”. Yet the fracture remains unrepaired.
Most couples dread revisiting an issue because it often sparks another fight. So, partners learn over time the “safest” course of action to take—no action; sweep things under the rug and pretend that nothing happened.
This pattern becomes the norm and erodes the bond over time.
How can we change this toxic cycle? How do you repair and make peace instead of armour up for the next battle? There IS a way. Here is how.
The secret to repair from a fight is to repair yourself first. Here’s what I mean.
After a fight, when you’ve parted ways, instead of stewing and steaming, do something completely different that takes your mind off the fight. Go for a walk, listen to music, do a puzzle, watch a movie. It doesn’t matter. Just stop thinking about the fight.
Once you’ve calmed down and come back to your senses, ask yourself two questions.
These are hard questions. Notice they have nothing to do with your partner’s behaviour or the content of the fight itself.
It’s about you…because you are part of the dance that created this tango. So, if you are willing to change your dance moves, you can affect the whole dance.
Most people don’t like hearing this or following through on this because it takes courage, humility, and vulnerability to implement. You have your armour down along with your expectations.
But the choice is yours, do nothing and nothing changes. Or do the right but harder thing, and both you and your relationship benefit.
I hope you choose the latter.
If you’d like more support in mastering the key principles and skills in relational vitality, join me in the Connected Couple program. We will deep dive into the core issues of all relationships and learn step-by-step how to overcome these obstacles, so you can create the relationship you’ve always dreamed of.
Waitlist for the fall cohort is open now but only for a short time.
Your relationship is worth saving. Give it a chance by making the right choices today that yield a lifetime of love. I’ll see you in the program.
P.S. Remember, you love your partner and want your relationship to work. Do the right thing today to overcome your obstacles. Join the Connected Couple program. You won’t regret it.
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© Dr. Gloria Lee 2024
