Family of Origin
There’s a silent epidemic running through our families. It’s harming everyone in its path. The men carrying it. The women loving them. The children watching them. And here’s what it is. What angry dads pass onto their sons. Maybe it sounded like this in your house growing up. “Because I said so.” “Don’t make me […]
Today is Mother’s Day in North America. And I want to reflect on what this day means to me, and perhaps to others. I think about my relationship with my mother, and it’s…complex. On one hand, I celebrate the mother I have. She sacrificed her whole life for her kids. She gave constantly. She never […]
Three siblings sat across from me on the couch. Their mother had passed six months earlier. Before she died, she gave them one job — take care of Dad. They were trying. They really were. But every visit ended in tears. Their father wouldn’t ask for anything. Not directly. Instead, the conversations sounded like this: […]
Here’s something I often hear from my clients. Some version of this: “I love my mom. She’s a wonderful woman. Everyone says so. But every time I leave her house, I feel smaller. Heavier. I don’t know why. Am I being ungrateful? Am I just too sensitive?” They think they’re the problem. They’re not. They […]
In my practice, I often work with two or three generations in the same room. For example, grandparents, their children, and their grandchildren. And it’s fascinating what I always see in these sessions. The same patterns. In three different generations. For instance, an angry parent in every generation — someone who raged at their children […]
I want to talk about something that rarely gets named. Not because it’s rare. But because it’s hiding inside perfectly respectable families, disguised as closeness and devotion and being a “good son.” I’m talking about what happens when a mother turns to her son to fill the emotional void left by an absent or checked-out […]
One of the thinkers who has deeply shaped how we understand gender, relationships, and emotional life is Carol Gilligan. Her work challenges a really important assumption in our culture — the idea that masculinity and femininity are naturally opposite, separate worlds. Gilligan argues that this division — what she calls the binary — isn’t actually […]
After working with thousands of couples and individuals over the years, I’ve noticed something. Most people who have been through multiple relationships or marriages — almost always share the same thread. Different partners. Different circumstances. Different decades. But the same emotional experience, playing out again and again. Here’s an example. Let’s call him “James”. James […]
When I first met my husband, Clark, I genuinely believed I had what it took to make a relationship work. I was self-aware enough to know I came from a difficult family. I’d read the books. I understood, intellectually at least, that healthy relationships required communication and compromise. How wrong I was. Because knowing about […]
Have you ever told yourself, “I’m never going to be like my parent”. But end up doing the same thing as them? This is one of the most common things I hear from my clients, just like “Sarah”. “I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth,” Sarah told me, her eyes welling up. […]
Last time I wrote to you, I was sitting in a hospital cafeteria in Hong Kong, running on adrenaline and coffee. Today? I’m writing from 35,000 feet in the air. My son and I are flying home for the holidays! You know what I realized somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, watching my son finally sleep […]
My client “Mark” lamented, “I love my family, but honestly? I’m kind of dreading Christmas with them.” Mark is successful at work. He’s a devoted husband and dad. But something changes when he spends time with his family of origin. He reverts to a child. “It’s not that anything terrible happens. It’s just… I become […]
