Family of Origin
In my practice, I often work with two or three generations in the same room. For example, grandparents, their children, and their grandchildren. And it’s fascinating what I always see in these sessions. The same patterns. In three different generations. For instance, an angry parent in every generation — someone who raged at their children […]
I want to talk about something that rarely gets named. Not because it’s rare. But because it’s hiding inside perfectly respectable families, disguised as closeness and devotion and being a “good son.” I’m talking about what happens when a mother turns to her son to fill the emotional void left by an absent or checked-out […]
One of the thinkers who has deeply shaped how we understand gender, relationships, and emotional life is Carol Gilligan. Her work challenges a really important assumption in our culture — the idea that masculinity and femininity are naturally opposite, separate worlds. Gilligan argues that this division — what she calls the binary — isn’t actually […]
After working with thousands of couples and individuals over the years, I’ve noticed something. Most people who have been through multiple relationships or marriages — almost always share the same thread. Different partners. Different circumstances. Different decades. But the same emotional experience, playing out again and again. Here’s an example. Let’s call him “James”. James […]
When I first met my husband, Clark, I genuinely believed I had what it took to make a relationship work. I was self-aware enough to know I came from a difficult family. I’d read the books. I understood, intellectually at least, that healthy relationships required communication and compromise. How wrong I was. Because knowing about […]
Have you ever told yourself, “I’m never going to be like my parent”. But end up doing the same thing as them? This is one of the most common things I hear from my clients, just like “Sarah”. “I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth,” Sarah told me, her eyes welling up. […]
Last time I wrote to you, I was sitting in a hospital cafeteria in Hong Kong, running on adrenaline and coffee. Today? I’m writing from 35,000 feet in the air. My son and I are flying home for the holidays! You know what I realized somewhere over the Pacific Ocean, watching my son finally sleep […]
My client “Mark” lamented, “I love my family, but honestly? I’m kind of dreading Christmas with them.” Mark is successful at work. He’s a devoted husband and dad. But something changes when he spends time with his family of origin. He reverts to a child. “It’s not that anything terrible happens. It’s just… I become […]
Do you hold your breath when things are going too well? Last week, I was talking to a friend who just landed her dream job. But instead of celebration, she said, “Yeah, but I don’t know if it’ll work out. What if I’m not qualified?” After watching her steal her own joy for ten minutes, […]
I often hear this from my clients: “I was my mom’s confidant. I consoled her when she and dad fought. I calmed my dad down so he wouldn’t get mad. I would change the topic when conversations got heated between my parents.” If this sounds like your childhood, you weren’t just a kid—you were the […]
My client “Maria” is a 48-year-old CEO managing 450 people. She’s built a million-dollar business from scratch. But when she visits her parents, she becomes that powerless eight-year-old girl again. Because your childhood home isn’t just a place. It’s a time machine that activates old survival patterns before you even realize what’s happening. When you […]
Today marks my 27th wedding anniversary. I can barely believe we made it this far. The odds were stacked against us. Divorce runs in my family. My parents’ marriage ended badly. Four of my five siblings got divorced too. My template for marriage was not good, to say the least. But here’s what I learned […]
