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Healing After An Affair

You are welcome to share Dr. Gloria Lee’s article:

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Is It Possible?

There’s a question that I keep getting asked over the decades when helping couples. It is one of the most challenging and loaded questions. It’s also a question that is tender to me because it reminds me of one of the main reasons why my parents’ marriage failed…

How do I move forward after an affair?

Let me tell you, this is a tough one. It’s the kind of question that makes me wish I had a magic wand or a simple five-step plan to fix everything.

But here’s the truth: there’s no easy way to navigate the aftermath of an affair. It’s complex, it’s messy, and it’s deeply painful.

Let’s start by addressing something crucial: do you stay or do you go after an affair?

Here’s what I want you to know: there’s no universally right or wrong choice. Some couples choose to work towards repair and rebuilding, while others decide to end the relationship.

Your decision should be based on your unique situation, feelings, and what you believe is best for your (and your family’s) future.

And each day you may change your mind. One day you may be convinced that you want to leave and the next day, you may decide to stay. This is normal. Let it settle.

That said, if you’re leaning towards repair, here’s what I can tell you.

The first thing, it’s essential to understand that it takes both people’s full participation and commitment to repair after an affair.

If one person is unwilling to put in the work, the chances of successful reconciliation are slim. It’s a two-way street, and both partners need to be on board for the journey ahead.

Now if both people are committed to repairing the relationship, you need to know the common pitfalls that often sabotage repair:

1. Rushing the process: Healing takes time, and trying to force forgiveness or “get over it” quickly often backfires.

2. Avoiding difficult conversations: While it’s painful, open and honest communication is crucial for rebuilding trust.

3. Neglecting individual healing: Both partners need to work on their own emotional well-being and healing, not just the relationship.

4. Failing to establish new boundaries: Clear, mutually agreed-upon boundaries are essential for moving forward and gaining trust.

5. Ignoring the root causes: Without addressing the underlying issues that contributed to the affair, you risk repeating patterns.

So, if you’ve decided to give your relationship another chance, and both of you are committed to the process, here are the key things you need to know about repairing and rebuilding after an affair:

1. For the Hurt Partner, Embrace the Anger Responsibly:
You’re supposed to be angry. But it’s not helpful to act out angry feelings, through verbal or physical violence.

Find healthy ways to express it but not act upon it. There’s a difference between “I’m so angry at you” and “You are a f’ing a-hole”.

On the other hand, bottling it up or hiding it just makes things worse in the long run.

2. For the Hurt Partner, Vulnerability is Your Secret Weapon:
Being vulnerable right now is probably the last thing you want to do. But it’s also one of the most powerful tools you have.

Share your fears, your insecurities, bit by bit. It’s like building a bridge, one plank at a time.

Express your feelings in a way that does not attack your partner’s character (e.g., you’re such a liar), but instead by owning how you feel (e.g., I feel scared that you will lie to me again). This will help difficult conversations not escalate into fights.

3. For the One Who Betrayed, Conduct a Self-Assessment:
If you’re the one who had the affair, listen up. Saying sorry is just the beginning.

You’ve got some serious soul-searching to do. What were you really looking for? What was missing in your relationship, your life, or yourself that made you risk everything? What part of your character do you need to work on?

Understanding your motivations and having self-awareness is a crucial step in healing your wounds, rebuilding trust and ensuring it doesn’t happen again.

4. For the One Who Betrayed, Earn Your Partner’s Trust:
Trust is to be earned, not to be given. It is rebuilt in the little moments. Being on time. Following through on promises. Being transparent. Showing up emotionally when your partner’s having a rough day.

These small acts of reliability? They’re relationship gold. Stack them up, day after day, and you’ll start to see a difference.

5. Create Healthier Ways to Connect and Communicate:
Dissect how the disconnection happened over the years. Learn to have honest conversations without triggering fights or avoiding the problem.

Discover new ways to start the friendship again. Begin new daily check-in rituals to share your feelings. Get creative and find what works for both of you.

Most couples need professional help navigating this delicate process. I suggest finding a local therapist who is well-trained and experienced in this area. It makes all the difference.

The Unexpected Silver Lining

Here’s something that might surprise you: sometimes, couples who do the hard work of rebuilding after an affair end up with a relationship that’s stronger than ever. I call this their “second marriage”.

I know it sounds impossible right now, but I’ve seen it happen. When you’re forced to rebuild from the ground up, you have the opportunity to create something more authentic, more resilient, and infinitely more connected than before. I hope you get to experience what my parents never had a chance to, your second marriage.

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