Let’s talk about something that hits close to home for so many of us – those moments when our relationships hit a rough patch. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The silent dinners, the cold shoulders, the feeling that you and your partner are on different planets. It’s tough, and as a therapist, I’ve seen how these moments can make or break a relationship.
But here’s the thing – these ruptures? They’re not the end of the world. In fact, they might be the beginning of something deeper, if we know how to handle them.
I’ve worked with couples who come in barely looking at each other, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. One partner feels ignored, and the other feels attacked. Sound familiar? It’s that dance we all do sometimes – one person reaching out, the other pulling away.
So, what do we do when we’re stuck in this dance? First things first – breathe. Seriously, take a moment. When emotions are running high, our brains go into fight-or-flight mode. We say things we don’t mean, we shut down, we lash out. A deep breath can be like hitting the reset button.
Then, let’s get curious. I often ask couples to dig deeper. “When you feel ignored, what’s that bringing up for you?” Often, it reminds someone of feeling invisible as a kid. And for the partner who withdraws? It’s often their way of protecting themselves from the criticism they faced growing up. See, our past doesn’t just disappear – it shows up in our relationships, whether we like it or not.
Now, here’s where the magic happens. I teach couples to speak from the heart, not from the hurt. Instead of “You never listen,” they learn to say, “I feel scared when I don’t feel heard.” Big difference, right? It’s not about attacking; it’s about connecting.
And listening? It’s not about defending or explaining, but understanding. “I hear how much it hurts you when you feel ignored.” You should see people’s faces when they feel truly heard – it’s like someone finally gets them.
But here’s the kicker – repair isn’t just about talking. It’s about action. I often have couples create their own little ritual for when things get tough. Some choose to hold hands, even if they’re angry. It sounds simple, but that physical connection? It’s like a lifeline when words fail.
And you know what? It’s never smooth sailing from there. Couples still have fights and still have moments of disconnect. But now they have tools. They know how to come back to each other.
That’s what I want for all my clients – not a perfect relationship, but a real one. One where they can fight fair, repair with love, and grow stronger together.
So, if you’re going through a tough spot in your relationship, remember this: it’s not about never messing up. It’s about how you come back together when you do. It’s about turning towards each other, not away. It’s about seeing these ruptures not as the end, but as a chance to build something even stronger.
Because let’s face it – love isn’t always easy. But it’s always, always worth it. So take a deep breath, open your heart, and dare to connect. Your relationship might just thank you for it.
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© Dr. Gloria Lee 2024
