Then Don’t Focus on Communication
For over 26 years, every couple I’ve worked with started the first session with the same request…
“We want to know how to communicate better to stop fighting and get along.”
And for 26 years, I’ve been discouraging couples from solely focusing on their communication skills to end their cycle of arguments.
I can see the confusion on their faces. “But isn’t this what you do? Shouldn’t we be diving into ‘I statements’ and active listening?”
The truth is…
Jumping straight into communication skills without addressing the deeper issues that caused the conflicts in the first place is like slapping a band-aid on a tumour. It might cover up the surface problem temporarily, but it won’t heal the underlying issue.
So instead, I start somewhere else. I take them somewhere deeper. I start with character.
You see, at the core of who we are – and how we show up in our relationships – are the wounds we’ve carried with us, often since childhood. These attachment wounds shape our character, influence our reactions, and ultimately determine how we connect (or fail to connect) with our partners.
Think about it. How many times have you found yourself in the same argument, saying the same hurtful things, even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t?
That’s not a communication problem. That’s a trigger, rooted in old wounds that haven’t healed and shaped your character over time.
They show up as being defensive, critical, shaming, argumentative, indifferent, passive-aggressive, and even violent.
So when couples come to me wanting better communication, what they really need is healing.
They need to understand how their past has shaped their present. They need to repair and rebuild the parts of themselves that have been damaged along the way.
This is where the real work begins. It’s hard work, it’s real work, but it’s also the most rewarding work you’ll ever do.
Here’s what character-building looks like in a relationship:
- Humility: It’s learning to take input from your partner without immediately getting defensive. It’s saying, “You know what? You might be right about that,” even when everything in you wants to argue.
- Courage: It’s choosing vulnerability over anger. It’s admitting, “I’m scared” or “I’m hurt” instead of lashing out with criticism, shame, aggression, or passive-aggressiveness.
- Kindness: It’s communicating your needs and feelings with gentleness, even when you’re hurt, frustrated, or disappointed.
- Generosity: It’s listening to your partner with an open heart, setting aside your preconceived notions and choosing to believe the best about their intentions.
- Emotional Intelligence: It’s understanding that relationships involve give and take, teamwork, and negotiation. It’s not all about your needs and wants.
- Grace: It’s offering forgiveness and seeking reconciliation, even when it feels easier to hold onto resentment.
As you work on these aspects of your character, something magical happens. Your communication naturally improves.
Not because you’ve memorized a set of techniques, but because you’re approaching your partner from a place of emotional health, authenticity, and genuine care.
Think of it like this: Two people with strong, well-developed characters will find a way to communicate effectively, even without formal training.
But all the communication skills in the world won’t save a relationship if the individuals lack the character to apply them consistently and authentically.
Now, I’m not saying that learning specific communication tools isn’t valuable. It absolutely is. But it’s not the starting point. It’s not the core of what makes a relationship thrive.
The core is you. The core is your partner. The core is the healing and growth you’re both willing to undertake.
So if you’re struggling in your relationship, I invite you to take a step back from focusing solely on how you talk to each other. Instead, look inward. Ask yourself:
– What old wounds am I carrying that might be affecting how I show up in this relationship?
– How can I develop more humility, courage, kindness, generosity, emotional intelligence, and grace in my interactions?
– Am I willing to do the hard work of healing and growing, even when it’s uncomfortable?
Remember, a strong relationship isn’t built on perfect communication. It’s built on the character of the two people committed to loving each other, working on themselves, and applying better communication skills.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself, and your relationship and life will improve as a result.
