Why Your Marriage Never Improves
Many couples wonder why their marriage never improves.
A pivotal reason why is because of one toxic pattern that is destroying millions of relationships today.
Triangulation.
What is triangulation?
Triangulation is when a two-person problem turns into a three-person power play.
It occurs when one partner, typically struggling with emotional immaturity and poor communication skills, manipulates a relationship by bringing in a third party to buffer conflict, take their side, create drama, or indirectly communicate with their partner – to gain power over them.
Here are some examples of what triangulation looks like in relationships.
- Complaining about the partner to their parents, friends, or children, but only giving their side of the story that presents them as the “victim”, leaving out important information or manipulating the story, so it’s not accurate.
- During fights, a partner shares private information and polls their friends or family, then uses “everyone agrees with me” as a weapon in arguments, to shame and isolate the other partner, yet doesn’t acknowledge the breach in boundaries and trust.
- Making the children, family, or friends the go-between with the other partner, so they are relaying messages back and forth between the partners, and carrying the stress and anxiety of the relationship.
While it might feel natural to seek support when relationship tensions rise, triangulation differs in many ways.
This destructive dance typically involves three roles: the victim (seeking allies), the persecutor (the partner being talked about, deemed as the offender), and the rescuer (the third party drawn into the drama).
It’s often a learned behavior from childhood, where family members avoided direct conflict by recruiting others to manage tension and difficult emotions.
Triangulation isn’t about resolving conflicts – it’s about power and avoidance.
While it might provide temporary relief from relationship tension, it ultimately erodes the trust that healthy partnerships require.
Breaking free from triangulation starts with recognizing your role.
If you’re the “rescuer,” set firm boundaries by saying, “I care about you, but I don’t feel comfortable getting involved. This needs to be addressed directly with your partner.”
If you’re the “victim,” develop the courage to handle conflicts directly – this might mean working with a professional to build better communication skills.
And if you’re the “persecutor,” establish clear boundaries about privacy and direct communication. If your partner continues to triangulate others, you may directly “relieve” the third party by telling them that they are no longer needed. Then talk to your partner directly.
Although this pattern is difficult to break, it is imperative if you want to resolve conflicts effectively and establish healthy communication between partners.
And the results are transformative: deeper trust, more authentic connections, and the ability to handle conflicts in ways that strengthen rather than weaken your bond.
If you feel stuck in the triangulation trap and need some support, I’ve created some resources to help you, my book, The Connected Couple: 7 Secrets to Transform Your Relationship and the accompanying course. As well as the Relationship Mastery Accelerator small group coaching.
Reach out today to learn how we can work together to transform your relationship patterns and build the authentic, trusting partnership you deserve…without triangulating others.
