Stop Fighting, Start Connecting. Here’s How.
Do you keep fighting in circles with your partner?
Here’s what I’ve seen every day over the last 26 years working with couples.
One partner brings up an issue—perhaps about household responsibilities, emotional availability, or financial decisions.
The other partner, instead of hearing the underlying need or concern, perceives an attack on their character or competence. Their natural response? Defense.
The first partner then tries to explain more because they feel misunderstood and unheard. And the more they explain, the more the other partner feels attacked, so the more they defend.
Then out of frustration, the first partner starts criticizing or attacking the other partner. “Why are you always like that. You never listen. You’re so defensive.”
And of course, the other partner attacks back. “You’re so critical. You’re never happy.” And before you know it, they’re in a fight.
In a matter of minutes, the original issue is long forgotten as both partners keep bringing in new damning information to prove their point and protect themselves.
The result? Two people who love each other end up feeling hurt, angry, and misunderstood.
Eventually, exhaustion sets in. One partner withdraws, creating days or weeks of tense silence. Perhaps an apology comes, but without addressing the underlying dynamic, the cycle inevitably repeats when the next issue arises.
It’s a pattern that can persist for years, eroding the foundation of otherwise loving relationships.
Sound familiar?
It’s fascinating how predictable the pattern of conflict becomes. Like a well-rehearsed dance, couples move through the same steps repeatedly, each knowing their part but feeling powerless to change the choreography.
Breaking Free: A New Approach
The good news is that this cycle isn’t inevitable. The key lies not in avoiding conflicts – they’re a natural part of any relationship – but in transforming how we approach them. Here’s how:
For the Partner Raising an Issue:
Instead of leading with what went wrong, start by asking for what you need.
Rather than saying, “You never help with the dishes,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed with household tasks and could really use your help.”
This approach invites collaboration rather than triggering defensiveness.
For the Receiving Partner:
The game-changer here is validation.
Before jumping to defend yourself, acknowledge what you can in your partner’s message. “I hear that you’re feeling overwhelmed, and that makes sense given how much you’re managing” creates a completely different dynamic than “But I did the dishes yesterday!”
When both partners commit to these shifts, something remarkable happens. Conversations remain calmer, allowing couples to actually address and resolve the underlying issues. The dance changes from one of attack and defend to one of understanding and support.
Remember, this isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. Every time you catch yourself in the old pattern and choose a different response, you’re building new neural pathways and stronger relationship habits
The reward? A more connected, understanding, and satisfying partnership.
These changes might seem simple, but they’re profound in their impact. After all, the quality of our relationships often comes down to the quality of our conversations.
By changing how we communicate, we change everything.
