And how to avoid it
Most of us believe that the person we marry will be the “right one”. This is why we chose them. They make us happy, and we want this happy feeling to become permanent, so we marry them.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it usually goes. Most of us will actually end up with the “wrong person”. And here’s why…
We don’t really choose someone who makes us happy. We choose someone who makes us feel comfortable. And they make us feel comfortable because they bring about a familiarity that most closely replicates the feelings of love and attachment we felt as children.
So, for some, it’s a good thing. But for many of us, our childhood love and attachment were earned by being a good girl or boy to our critical or disapproving caregiver, by being helpful to our depressed or addicted parent, or being invisible and not needy to our angry or busy caregiver.
And when love is conditional, it inevitably leaves a cavity in our heart that longs to be filled by another who would simply love us for who we are, with warts and all—this person being our partner.
However, it doesn’t really work this way. We end up marrying the “wrong person”. It’s not necessarily because they were the wrong one, but because all of us are the wrong ones.
We all desire to be loved unconditionally, yet we love our partner conditionally.
The truth is, we all need to take a long hard look at ourselves and work on our baggage, so we stop dumping them in our current relationship, hoping our partner will give us what we still long for.
And when both partners work on themselves, we earn our happiness as a couple, as we learn to be the “right one” for each other.
This is why I created the Connected Couple program. It teaches you step-by-step how to become the “right one” for your partner.
We deep dive into how your attachment style was formed, how your unmet needs and triggers show up in your adult romantic relationships, and how to heal these wounds by utilizing your current partnership to build a healthy and happy bond for a lifetime of love.