Understanding and Healing Attachment Impact
A few months ago, I embarked on my first solo trip with my mother. Despite our improved relationship as adults, I felt a flutter of anxiety in my chest.
My mother, while loving, can be negative and critical – traits that coloured my childhood.
Although the trip went well overall, certain moments reminded me of why I felt sad, ashamed, and angry growing up.
Memories resurfaced of living under the weight of her negativity, opinions, and judgments. It made me reflect deeply on how these early experiences shape our adult relationships.
Growing up with a critical mother carves pathways in our emotional landscape that often go unnoticed until we find ourselves repeating patterns in our adult relationships.
As someone who has both lived this experience and now helps others heal their attachment wounds, I understand the complex dance between acknowledging a parent’s good intentions while healing from their impact.
When a mother consistently criticizes or dismisses their child, it sends a clear message: “Your feelings aren’t valid. You’re not enough.”
This experience often creates an anxious or avoidant attachment style, where we either desperately seek validation or build walls to protect ourselves from potential hurt.
The impact manifests in various ways:
– Perpetual self-doubt and harsh inner criticism
– Difficulty trusting partners or allowing emotional intimacy
– Perfectionism as a shield against judgment
– People-pleasing behaviours to earn love and acceptance
– Fear of abandonment or rejection in relationships
But here’s what I’ve learned through my personal journey and witnessed in countless clients: These patterns, while deeply ingrained, aren’t permanent. Your attachment style can heal and evolve with conscious effort and support.
Here are three powerful steps to help you begin healing:
- Practice Self-Validation
Start by acknowledging your emotions without judgment. When self-criticism arises, pause and ask: “Would I speak to a friend this way?” Create a daily practice of writing down one thing you’re proud of about yourself. This gradually rewires the internal critical voice inherited from childhood.
- Set Compassionate Boundaries
Begin with small boundaries in safe relationships. Notice when you’re compromising your needs to avoid criticism. Practice saying “no” or “I need time to think about that” when appropriate. Remember: healthy boundaries aren’t walls – they’re bridges to authentic connection.
- Cultivate Self-Mothering
Develop a nurturing internal voice to counter the critical one. When facing challenges, ask yourself: “What would a loving, supportive mother say?” Create rituals of self-care that honour your emotional needs. This might mean asking yourself if you’re okay when something unsettling happens during your day or affirming yourself when you’ve done something well.
The journey of healing attachment wounds isn’t linear, and that’s okay. My recent trip with my mother reminded me that while old patterns may surface, we can choose to respond differently.
I chose to comfort my mother when she felt emotionally dysregulated, reminding myself that the little girl in her also needed compassion, understanding, and reassurance that everything would be okay.
Then, I comforted myself by remembering that her negative reactions had nothing to do with me. It had to do with her own childhood attachment wounds.
When we can approach each other with gentleness, compassion, and understanding, we make meaningful progress toward secure attachment and healthy relationships.
Remember: Your past experiences shaped you, but they don’t define your future. When you heal yourself, you also have the capacity to heal those around you.
After all, don’t we all want the same thing, to feel seen, valued, and securely attached?
Ready to dive deeper into your healing journey? I offer personalized 1:1 coaching sessions tailored to your unique attachment story. Together, we’ll unpack these patterns and build new pathways to secure, fulfilling relationships. Reach out when you feel ready to take this transformative step – your future self will thank you.
