Transforming Past Hurts Into Secure Connections
Life has a funny way of teaching us lessons, sometimes through the most unexpected – and occasionally unpleasant – experiences. Here’s mine…
Believe it or not, I’ve had the dubious honour of being pooped on my head by a bird twice in my lifetime. Once this week, and once when I was in third grade. Gross, but true.
This week’s incident happened while I was out with my husband. Without missing a beat, I simply asked him to clean it off my head, and he did. End of story.
But rewind to that fateful day in third grade, and the narrative couldn’t have been more different.
Picture this: a field trip with my class, excitement in the air, and suddenly – splat! That unmistakable sensation of something gooey landing on my head.
But instead of speaking up, I remained silent. The gross goop in my hair felt awful, but I didn’t dare say a word. Why?
Because I was convinced I’d get in trouble for being an inconvenience to the class. I imagined being laughed at and shamed by my classmates.
Looking back now, it’s clear that neither of these fears would likely have materialized. But at that moment, it was the story I created based on what I was accustomed to at home.
Authority figures were scary entities in my young mind. I had learned never to inconvenience them or tell them the truth about what happened, fearing they would get angry and somehow blame me for it.
So, I learned to be quiet. To be silent and let the bird poop rest on my head, rather than risk facing what I perceived as a greater danger – the wrath of those in charge.
This story, as peculiar as it may seem, resonates with many of us.
How many of you grew up with similar authority figures?
How many learned that being “good” meant being silent and obedient?
Somewhere along the way, we internalized the belief that other people’s needs came before ours, and that our own needs were somehow bad, wrong, or less important.
It’s a pattern that repeats itself in various forms throughout our lives.
We might find ourselves in relationships where we consistently put our partner’s needs before our own. Or in jobs where we overwork ourselves to please our bosses, never daring to set boundaries. We might even struggle to ask for help when we truly need it, fearing that we’ll be seen as a burden or an inconvenience.
But here’s the truth: your needs matter. Your comfort matters. Your well-being matters. And it’s not just okay to voice these needs – it’s essential for your emotional health and the health of your relationships.
When something “bad” happens to us – whether it’s a bird using our head as a target or a more serious life challenge – we need to show ourselves compassion.
It’s not our fault, and we shouldn’t feel bad about it. In fact, self-compassion is often the exact opposite of what we received as children, making it a powerful tool for healing.
This is where the concept of “earned attachment” comes into play. Earned attachment refers to the process of developing a secure attachment style as an adult, even if we didn’t experience it in childhood.
When we consistently respond to ourselves with kindness and understanding – the way a loving parent would – we’re essentially re-parenting ourselves. We’re creating new neural pathways that allow us to feel safe, valued, and worthy of care. This is why it was now easy for me to ask my husband to wipe off the poop on my head!
So, the next time you find yourself in a situation where you’re tempted to stay quiet and suffer in silence, I want you to remember this: you have the right to speak up. You have the right to ask for what you need. You have the right to be comfortable and cared for.
It might feel uncomfortable at first. You might hear that old, familiar voice telling you to stay quiet, to not make waves.
But I encourage you to push past it. Start small if you need to. Ask for help with something minor. Voice a small preference. Gradually, you’ll build the confidence to advocate for yourself in bigger ways.
Remember, self-compassion isn’t selfish – it’s necessary.
It’s the foundation upon which we build healthier relationships with ourselves and others. It allows us to show up more fully in our lives, to connect more deeply with those around us, and to create the kind of life and relationships we truly desire.
So the next time life drops something unpleasant on us (literally or figuratively), let’s not suffer in silence.
Let’s speak up, ask for help, and treat ourselves with the kindness and compassion we deserve. Because in doing so, we’re not just cleaning off the metaphorical bird poop – we’re healing our past and creating healthier and more authentic relationships with ourselves and others.
