What’s the most common dynamic in couples? The pursuit-withdrawal dance.
Here’s an example of what it looks like.
Nicole stared at the closed bedroom door as Jordan’s words hung in the air: “I just need to be alone right now.” She had simply mentioned planning their vacation together, and somehow it had sparked their familiar pattern once again.
Their love story had spanned three years, yet this frustrating cycle persisted. Whenever Nicole reached for connection, Jordan seemed to pull away.
Despite their genuine love for each other, they remained caught in this painful rhythm neither fully understood.
They were experiencing what I’ve come to recognize as the pursuit-withdrawal pattern—a dynamic I’ve helped hundreds of couples navigate during my 26 years as a relationship therapist.
The hidden dynamics at play:
When Jordan appeared distant, Nicole instinctively tried to close the gap—organizing special outings, sending caring messages, and checking if their relationship was okay. But her efforts to bridge the distance only seemed to widen it.
Though deeply in love with Nicole, Jordan felt suffocated by what he perceived as emotional pressure. His natural response was to retreat and process alone.
Nicole saw this withdrawal as abandonment, triggering her deepest insecurities.
Their repeating pattern worked like this:
Jordan’s need for space activated Nicole’s fear of disconnection, causing her to pursue harder.
This pursuit then intensified Jordan’s need for breathing room, creating a continuous loop of emotional distress where both partners’ coping mechanisms clash fundamentally.
This struggle leaves couples exhausted and confused, with each person feeling misunderstood about their core needs. (Jordan carries shame about requiring space, while Nicole feels inadequate for desiring closeness.)
Here’s my approach to helping couples break free from this cycle:
1. Map the Pattern Together
Understanding that they’re caught in a system larger than themselves helps couples see beyond blame. When Nicole and Jordan recognize how each response triggers the other, they can step outside their reactive patterns.
2. Explore Your Triggers
Shifting focus from your partner’s behavior to your own reactions creates powerful change:
- Jordan: Understanding that withdrawing might feel protective but actually escalates Nicole’s anxiety
- Nicole: Recognizing that her pursuit, though well-intentioned, activates Jordan’s need to distance
3. Create a New Communication Bridge
Learning to express needs without triggering defensiveness transforms interactions:
- Jordan: Instead of disappearing, saying “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some quiet time. Can we reconnect in 30 minutes?”
- Nicole: Rather than pursuing, trying “When you go quiet, my mind worries. Could you reassure me before taking space?”
4. Develop Self-Regulation Skills
- Jordan can practice staying present a few minutes longer before taking space, gradually building tolerance for emotional connection
- Nicole can build confidence in self-soothing through physical movement, creative expression, or mindfulness before seeking external reassurance
5. Establish Connection Anchors
Small, consistent practices create security in the relationship:
- Brief morning check-ins that honor both connection and independence
- A shared code word to pause difficult conversations before they trigger the cycle
- Physical rituals like a six-second hug or hand-holding that meet both partners’ needs
- Exploring new environments together that refresh your connection
The transformation when couples implement these strategies can be remarkable.
Recently, a client shared: “I finally understand my partner isn’t rejecting me when they need space—they’re just overwhelmed. Seeing this changed everything about how we communicate.”
Does this relationship pattern feel familiar?
Remember that these reactions typically formed long before your current relationship. They served as protection once but may now be sabotaging the very closeness you desire.
