I remember when Mark and Sarah (not their real names) walked into my office, their shoulders heavy with 23 years of unresolved conflicts. They sat on opposite ends of my couch—a physical representation of the emotional distance between them.
“Why now?” I asked gently. “What made you decide to come in after all these years?”
Their eyes met briefly before Mark spoke. “I don’t know, maybe cuz Sarah said she’s not sure if she wants to be with me anymore.”
“And why didn’t you come during all those years Sarah was asking?” I questioned softly.
Mark shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Maybe I just didn’t want to be told that I’m bad or wrong. I’ve heard it enough through my marriage.”
This push-pull dynamic is one I’ve seen countless times—one partner recognizing the need for help while the other resists, trapped by fear.
Mark’s hesitation might sound familiar because his fears are common among partners everywhere. They keep us locked in painful patterns, convincing us that the devil we know is better than the one we don’t.
What Fear Whispers to Us
Fear speaks to us in predictable ways when it comes to getting relationship help:
- “You’ll be judged” – The thought of exposing our relationship struggles to a stranger feels like standing naked on stage. We worry we’ll be seen as failures, bad partners, or somehow fundamentally flawed.
- “Change hurts” – Our brains are wired to resist change, even when our current situation is painful. The unfamiliar feels threatening, so we cling to destructive patterns simply because they’re known.
- “Your wounds will be reopened” – Most relationship conflicts connect to deeper childhood wounds. The prospect of excavating that pain can feel overwhelming
The Surprising Truth About Fear
What Mark and Sarah discovered—what thousands of couples I’ve worked with over 26 years have discovered—is that fear lies about its own size.
During our third session, Mark leaned forward and said something I’ll never forget: “I feel like I’ve been afraid of shadows on the wall. When I finally turned around to face them, I realized they were just that—shadows.”
The most beautiful truth about fear is that it shrinks when confronted. What waits on the other side isn’t more pain but the healing connection you’ve been longing for all along.
Sarah later told me, “I wish we had done this two decades ago. All those wasted years of being unhappy and fighting. We could have been happy.”
What Happens When We Face Our Fears
When couples finally gather the courage to work on their relationship, three remarkable things happen:
- You discover you’re stronger than your fears. The very act of showing up proves you have more courage than you realized. This newfound strength carries into all aspects of your relationship.
- Healing replaces hurting. The wounds that seemed too painful to touch become sources of deep understanding and connection when safely explored together.
- Hope becomes tangible.Couples who thought their relationship was beyond repair find themselves creating a new story together—one filled with peace, understanding, and genuine intimacy.
Your Relationship Deserves This Chance
Every day that passes is another day spent in the shadow of what could be. Your relationship has infinite potential waiting to be unlocked—but only if you take this crucial step.
I’m opening registration for my first in-person couples weekend retreat since COVID.
This intimate gathering will be a sanctuary where transformation happens, where I’ll share the exact principles and practices that have helped thousands of couples move from disconnection to deep, lasting love.
Space is intentionally limited to ensure each couple receives the attention they deserve. Those who register before April 20th will receive a special early bird rate as my thank you for your commitment.
Twenty-three years from now, what story will you tell about your relationship? Will it be one of regret over opportunities missed, or one of gratitude for the courage you found today?
The choice—and the possibility—is yours right now.
