And What We Can Do About It
When we hear the word “patriarchy,” most of us think about how it impacts women. But have you ever paused to consider how this age-old system harms men and sabotages their relationships?
I’ll be doing a two-part series on patriarchy. This week’s focus is on how patriarchy hurts men, and next week’s on how it damages their romantic relationships. Let’s dive into part 1.
What is Patriarchy?
Patriarchy refers to a social system in which men hold primary power and predominate in roles of political leadership, moral authority, social privilege, and control of property.
It typically involves the institutionalization of male dominance over women and children in both the public and private spheres. This system has historically shaped many societies, influencing laws, customs, and social norms.
At first glance, it looks like men benefit from such a system, and they do to a certain extent. But when we take a closer look, we discover how men suffer just as much as women do from this archaic system. Here’s how.
How Patriarchy Hurts Men
From an early age, boys are taught to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. “Boys don’t cry,” “don’t be such a girl” they’re told. “Man up,” society demands.
So, boys get conditioned to believe that emotions are weak and attachment to others makes them needy.
When these rigid expectations follow them into adulthood, they cause havoc in their health and relationships.
Here are some hidden costs of “Being a Man” under patriarchy:
- Emotional Suppression: Many men learn to bottle up their feelings, leading to unhealthy coping such as turning to substances to numb the pain, pornography to get a high, affairs to fill an emptiness, and overworking to feel worthy. Often, men become depressed but dismiss their depression or don’t even know they’re depressed because they’re too emotionally cut off. This is a significant reason why men’s suicide rate is 4x higher than women’s.
- Poor emotional intelligence: When you aren’t in touch with your own feelings and have learned to stay in your head all the time, this results in difficulty expressing vulnerability, empathy, and even love—key ingredients for any thriving relationship.
- The Provider Burden: Patriarchy often places immense pressure on men to be the primary breadwinners. This expectation can lead to chronic stress, more numbing behaviours to cope with the stress, workaholism, and a sense that their worth is tied solely to their paycheck and position rather than their character or emotional presence.
- Limited Support Systems: Men are reluctant to seek emotional support from friends or professionals for fear of being judged as weak and needy. So, when issues arise, men are often isolated; they turn to unhealthy coping strategies and frequently become depressed in secret.
- Toxic Competition: Patriarchal societies often pit men against each other, fostering a culture of one-upmanship. This mindset creates unnecessary jealousy, possessiveness, or a need to “win” arguments rather than resolve conflicts collaboratively. In romantic partnerships, men often have difficulty taking advice, input, and feedback from their female partners, as they hear it as criticism and attacks on their self-esteem, thus creating defensiveness and shutdown in return.
- Restricted Expressions of Masculinity: There’s immense pressure to conform to narrow definitions of what it means to be “manly.” This limits men’s ability to explore and express their full range of interests, passions, and personality traits—ultimately diminishing the richness they bring to their relationships.
The patriarchal system, while often discussed in terms of its impact on women, clearly takes a heavy toll on men as well.
By recognizing these hidden costs, we can begin to dismantle the harmful expectations and stereotypes that confine men to narrow, often destructive paths.
It’s time for all of us—regardless of gender—to challenge these norms and create spaces where men can express their full humanity without fear or shame. This journey starts with awareness and continues with action.
I invite you to reflect on your own experiences or the experiences of the men in your life. How has patriarchy influenced your (or their) emotional well-being and relationships?
Remember, change begins with each of us. By fostering empathy, encouraging vulnerability, and valuing emotional intelligence, we can help create a world where men are free to be their authentic selves.
