This topic always lands me in hot water, but frankly, I don’t care – because it’s one of the most common issues couples come to me for, especially during the holidays.
I’m talking about the mental load, that invisible backpack of responsibilities that’s often silently crushing the holiday spirit of one partner while the other remains blissfully unaware.
Let’s be honest. The mental load typically falls on the wife or female partner (or at least that’s what I’ve seen over 26 years with thousands of couples).
So what does the mental load look like?
It’s remembering to order the turkey early enough for Christmas dinner while tracking which relatives are vegetarian. It’s coordinating and scheduling multiple gatherings with family and friends. It’s buying thoughtful gifts for everyone (including the other partner’s family members).
Then don’t forget the wrapping of gifts (ensuring there’s enough wrapping paper and gift tags) and putting up the decorations (so there’s a tree to place the gifts under).
Add on top of that driving the kids to Christmas concert rehearsals, purchasing their outfits, while planning feasts, grocery shopping in between pick ups and drop offs, cooking, cleaning, and the list goes on.
Feeling stressed yet?
When one partner shoulders this load alone, the effects ripple through the relationship like a stone thrown into still water.
The overburdened partner starts resenting every moment spent planning while their partner enjoys carefree holiday fun. They become the “holiday taskmaster,” barking orders and feeling increasingly frustrated.
meanwhile, the other partner feels criticized and controlled, walking on eggshells around their stressed-out spouse. The joy of the season gets buried under tension and disconnection.
Sound familiar?
But there is a better way. Here are three practical steps to rebalance the holiday mental load:
- The Calendar Deep Dive: Sit down together a month or so before the madness with a shared digital calendar. Map out every event, deadline, and task. Make the invisible visible. When both partners see the full scope of holiday preparations, it becomes our shared reality rather than one person’s burden.
- The Strength-Based Split: Instead of dividing everything 50/50, lean into each partner’s natural talents and time availability. Perhaps one partner excels at gift selection while the other shines at event planning. The key is that both partners take full ownership of their areas – including the mental load of planning and execution.
- The Weekly Check-In: Schedule a 15-minute holiday huddle each week. Use this time to review upcoming needs, adjust plans, and share appreciation for each other’s contributions. This prevents resentment from building and helps both partners stay connected to the true spirit of the season.
When couples share the mental load of the holidays, something magical happens. Both partners get to experience the joy of creating special moments rather than one person feeling like the holiday project manager. Children witness true partnership in action, and the season becomes what it’s meant to be – a time of genuine connection and shared joy.
Here’s the truth: The holiday mental load is just a magnified reflection of what happens all year round.
These same patterns play out every single day, from managing doctor’s appointments to remembering school events. But when partners truly share this mental load, the transformation is remarkable.
The partner who was carrying most of the weight finally feels supported and rediscovers joy in family life.
The partner who steps up develops greater empathy, becomes more proactively responsible, and no longer feels like they’re walking on eggshells.
Instead of a taskmaster-subordinate dynamic, the relationship blossoms into true partnership.
This holiday season, give each other the gift of true partnership. Because when we share the mental load, we’re not just dividing tasks – we’re multiplying joy and creating a blueprint for a more balanced, connected relationship all year round.
