From Bitter to Sweet
Part 1: The Bitter
I remember growing up dreading Mother’s Day.
I had a tumultuous relationship with my mom and the last thing I wanted to do was to celebrate her.
Every Hallmark card I read felt insincere. “Thanks for being a great mom.” “You’ve always been there for me.” or “I’m so lucky to have you for a mother.”
My sentiments about my mom were about as opposite as can be.
Mom, with her unresolved trauma, was unable to provide nurturance to and closeness with me and my 5 siblings. Although she took care of our physical needs (i.e., food, shelter, clothing), she (and Dad) neglected and damaged our emotional and mental well-being.
I could never understand why my parents seemed to dislike us so much, as no child could. So, I naturally blamed myself for somehow being unlovable.
I now know that my lived experience is shared amongst many people. We carry this erroneous belief of being unlovable into our adult relationships; constantly trying to earn others’ approval and acceptance by being good, nice, and selfless…while neglecting our own needs.
Part 2: The Sweet
Then I became a mother.
I remember when my first child, Jaden was born 22 years ago. I experienced a love that I never had before. It was a foreign and profound feeling. And this feeling has been with me ever since.
This love confused me. I wondered how a mother could NOT love their child as much as I loved mine? How could a parent treat their child with rejection and disdain?
It was a bitter-sweet moment.
Ever since becoming a parent, my hope has been to break the intergenerational cycle of trauma that went back generations in my family. That is, the trauma of feeling abandoned and rejected, that was passed down from generation to generation.
As an adult, I’ve become aware that my mom did not intend to hurt me and my siblings; she just (mindlessly) did what was done to her, modelled to her, and taught to her. That was all she knew and she did the best she could, given her own history.
My understanding of her upbringing and woundedness helped me to feel compassion for her and to let go of the harm done to me. Moreover, I was able to extend this compassion to myself and heal from my childhood wounds.
Although it took many years to repair our relationship, today, I am glad to say that my mom and I have a positive relationship, albeit not super close.
And as for me and my 3 kids, well, let’s just say that at 17, 19, and 22 years of age, they still like to stroll with me hand in hand, cuddle and play, and share their deepest hurts and problems (helps that their mother is a psychologist).
I believe that I have broken the intergenerational cycle of trauma in my family. My greatest joy is that my kids will never know of this trauma firsthand. And if I can break the cycle, my friends, so can you.
I wish you peace, joy, and love this Mother’s Day and every day.
