(This is part 5 of 5 in the Attachment Series. If you missed the others, you could find them on my website)
As human beings, we are wired for connection, yet not all connections are created equal. Some connections are nurturing and fulfilling, while others can be toxic and damaging.
The quality of Your relationships is largely determined by Your attachment style,
which is formed in childhood and carried into adulthood.
If you’re someone who struggles with trust, intimacy, and abandonment issues in your romantic relationships, understanding attachment theory can be a game-changer.
Secure attachment style is the holy grail of healthy relationships. It’s the blueprint for a fulfilling, loving, and long-lasting partnership. People with a secure attachment style have a deep sense of trust, safety, and emotional security in their relationships.
You are comfortable with closeness and intimacy, yet also feel confident in your independence and autonomy. You are resilient in the face of challenges and conflicts, and you have the ability to repair ruptures quickly and effectively.
So how is secure attachment style formed in childhood? It all boils down to your early experiences with your primary caregivers.
If your caregivers are consistently responsive, attuned, and sensitive to your needs, you develop a secure attachment style. You learn that you can depend on your caregivers to meet your needs, and you internalize a sense of safety and security in your relationships.
On the other hand, if your caregivers are inconsistent, controlling, critical, distant, neglectful, or abusive, you develop insecure attachment styles (see previous blogs about insecure attachment styles).
It is also common to have a combined attachment style (e.g., anxious-avoidant attachment) because of the different attachment styles of your different caregivers. For instance, dad has an avoidant attachment style and mom has an anxious attachment style. Or, dad exhibits a secure attachment style and mom, an insecure style. The combinations are varied and on a continuum.
The good news is that people with an insecure attachment style can heal and move towards secure attachment.
The key is to cultivate secure attachment in your present relationships to heal your past attachment wounds, so you can create a healthier and happier future. It is in relationships you were wounded, it is also in relationships that you will be healed.
By reaching out to your partner, you can heal each other by attuning and attending to each other’s needs. Share with your partner about your attachment style and tell your partner what you need.
For a deeper dive into how to heal your attachment wounds and work towards secure attachment, join me in the spring offering of the Connected Couple.
You will gain clarity about your childhood attachment style and how it impacts your self-worth, triggers, and patterns of relating to others. You will break unhealthy habits of communication with your partner and create the relationship of your dreams.
Know that you are not alone, and healing is possible. By taking the first step towards self-discovery and growth, you can transform your broken bonds into meaningful connections.