It’s Not What You Think
Twenty-six years ago, I stood at the altar, blissfully unaware of the challenging yet beautiful odyssey that lay ahead. Today, as I celebrate my 26th wedding anniversary, I’m struck by how much we’ve grown – not just as a couple, but as individuals.
When we first met, like many couples, we were far from being the “right” person for each other. We were two individuals, each carrying our own baggage, focused primarily on getting our needs met and our own happiness. We knew little about true partnership or the depth of commitment required for a lasting relationship.
In those early years, conflicts arose frequently. We’d argue over trivial matters, each convinced of our own rightness. Looking back, I can see how our childhood wounds and unhealthy family patterns played out in these interactions. We were unconsciously recreating the dynamics we’d grown up with, perpetuating cycles that didn’t serve us or our relationship.
But here’s the thing – and this is crucial for any couple to understand – those conflicts weren’t signs of incompatibility. They were opportunities for growth.
As the years passed, we began to realize that for our relationship to thrive, we needed to focus on healing ourselves. It wasn’t about changing the other person; it was about becoming better individuals. We had to confront our own flaws, examine our ingrained patterns, and do the hard work of personal growth.
In a sense, we reparented each other. We created a safe space where we could explore our vulnerabilities, challenge our assumptions, and grow beyond the limitations of our upbringing. It wasn’t always easy. It required immense patience, understanding, and a willingness to be uncomfortable.
We learned to give and receive constructive feedback with grace. We practiced active listening, not just hearing the words, but truly understanding the emotions and needs behind them. We developed empathy, learning to see situations from each other’s perspectives.
Gradually, our focus shifted from what we could get from the relationship to what we could give. We discovered that true fulfillment came not from having our needs met, but from serving each other. Acts of kindness, both big and small, became the currency of our love.
This journey of personal growth and mutual support has led us to a place I never could have imagined 26 years ago. Our relationship now has a depth and beauty that far surpasses the superficial attraction of our early days. We’ve developed a partnership based on mutual respect, shared values, and a deep understanding of each other’s quirks and qualities.
But here’s the key insight I want to share with you: We didn’t start out as the “right” people for each other. We became the right people through conscious effort, commitment, and growth.
We often believe there is the “right” person out there waiting for us, and if we’re currently unhappy in our relationship, it’s because we found the “wrong” person.
But the reality is, we all start as the “wrong” person. It’s through the process of working on ourselves, healing our wounds, and breaking unhealthy patterns that we become the right partner.
If you’re struggling in your relationship, take heart. The conflicts you’re experiencing aren’t necessarily signs that you’re with the wrong person. They’re opportunities for growth. Each challenge is a chance to understand yourself better, to heal old wounds, and to develop new, healthier patterns of interaction.
The journey isn’t easy. It requires courage to look at yourself honestly, humility to accept feedback, and commitment to keep working even when things get tough. But the rewards are immeasurable. The depth of connection, the sense of partnership, and the joy of growing together are worth every ounce of effort.
As I celebrate 26 years of marriage, I’m filled with gratitude for the journey we’ve been on. We’re not perfect – we still have our moments of conflict and misunderstanding. But we now have the tools and the commitment to work through these challenges together.
So, to all of you out there navigating the complexities of long-term relationships, I encourage you: Don’t give up. Instead, turn inward. Focus on your own growth. Be willing to examine your patterns, heal your wounds, and continually work on becoming the best version of yourself. In doing so, you’ll not only improve your relationship – you’ll transform your life.
Remember, the most beautiful love stories aren’t about finding the right person. They’re about two people committing to become better together. Your journey to becoming the “right” person for your partner starts with you.
I challenge you to take one concrete step towards personal growth and development. Join the Relationship Mastery Accelerator small group mentoring in September. I am taking applications for 6 people only, so don’t delay. Your relationship – and your life – will thank you for it.
