Before You Set Goals

Every December, I do the same thing.

I sit down in a quiet place, pour myself a cup of tea, and ask: What were the highs and lows of this year?

It’s a ritual I started years ago, and every single time, the pattern is the same.

The highs? They’re never about the big achievements or the things I checked off my to-do list.

They’re the quiet Saturday mornings with my husband where we laugh together. The coffee date with my girlfriends where they open up about something real. The family vacations where we enjoy each other’s company while exploring new destinations.

The lows? The fights that leave me feeling sad. The deaths that remind me how fragile everything is. The adversities that challenge my faith and values.

But here’s what I’ve learned: these painful moments teach me more about myself and what truly matters than any success ever could.

And it always, always comes back to one thing.

Relationships.

More specifically, the quality of those relationships—with my partner, my children, my parents, my siblings, my friends, and most importantly, with myself.

The Question You Need to Ask

So as you reflect on 2025 and gear up for 2026, I want you to pause before you start making your usual New Year’s resolutions.

Before you add “work out more” or “launch the new project” or “save more money” to your list, I want you to try something different.

Researcher Cal Newport from Georgetown University suggests asking yourself three simple questions:

What should I stop?
What should I start?
What should I continue?

Most people rush straight to adding new goals. But here’s the truth: you can’t pour water into a cup that’s already overflowing. You need to make space first.

Subtract Before You Add

Think about your most important relationships right now.

What are you doing that’s not working? What patterns keep showing up that leave you feeling disconnected, frustrated, or alone? What protective walls have you built that are keeping connection out?

Maybe you need to stop:

Waiting for people to read your mind

Bringing up past hurts during every disagreement

Checking your phone during meaningful conversations

Saying “fine” when you’re not fine

Prioritizing everyone else’s needs over genuine connection

Avoiding difficult conversations with aging parents

Taking your closest relationships for granted

The most powerful transformations I’ve seen don’t come from adding more communication techniques or scheduling more quality time.

They come from stopping the patterns that are quietly destroying connection.

Once you’ve identified what to stop, then you can ask: What do I need to start?

Maybe it’s:

Sharing how you actually feel instead of what you think you should feel

Asking for what you need instead of hoping others will guess

Repairing after conflict instead of pretending it didn’t happen

Protecting time with loved ones like you protect your work calendar

Setting boundaries with family members who drain you

Reaching out to the friend you’ve been meaning to call

Showing up as your real self, not the version you think others want

And finally: What’s already working that you want to continue?

These are your relationship lifelines. The small moments of connection that still happen. The ways you already show love. The things that make people feel seen. Don’t take them for granted.

Your Relationships Deserve a Reset

Here’s what I know after working with thousands of people: your relationships won’t improve by accident. They won’t get better because you hope harder or because another year passes.

They get better when you make intentional choices. When you clear out what’s not working. When you make room for what matters most.

So before you dive into 2026 with a list of new goals, I’m inviting you to do something different. To focus on the one thing that will impact everything else: the quality of your relationships.

Start with yourself. Then your partner. Your children. Your parents. Your siblings. Your friends. Then watch how everything else begins to shift.