27 Lessons from 27 Years of Marriage

Today marks my 27th wedding anniversary. I can barely believe we made it this far.

The odds were stacked against us. Divorce runs in my family. My parents’ marriage ended badly. Four of my five siblings got divorced too. My template for marriage was not good, to say the least.

But here’s what I learned after 27 years of marriage and helping thousands of couples as a relationship psychologist: the painful patterns from my childhood became the exact blueprint for creating a strong marriage.

Here are the 27 lessons that kept my marriage strong and deeply connected throughout the years.

Lesson 1: You’ll repeat what you swore you’d never do from your parents’ marriage. The good news? You can also choose NOT to repeat it if you do the work.

Lesson 2: Your marriage is only as healthy as you are. Stop waiting for your partner to change. Be the change you want to see.

Lesson 3: Whatever you focus on is what you’ll see. Choose to see the good in your partner.

Lesson 4: Ask for what you need instead of complaining about what you don’t have.

Lesson 5: When you fight, remember you’re on the same team. If one loses, both lose.

Lesson 6: Listen deeply and your disagreements won’t turn into arguments.

Lesson 7: You can’t change your partner, but you can inspire change in them.

Lesson 8: Think “we” instead of “me” in every decision.

Lesson 9: Having kids doesn’t end your marriage. But focusing mainly on them will.

Lesson 10: Treat insiders better than outsiders. Your partner should get your best energy.

Lesson 11: There are days you won’t want to do the work. Do it anyway. Love is a daily choice.

Lesson 12: LIKING your partner might be more important than LOVING them.

Lesson 13: Your partner is one of your greatest teachers.

Lesson 14: Marriage isn’t about finding the right partner but becoming the right partners for each other.

Lesson 15: Always speak the truth in love. Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is people-pleasing.

Lesson 16: It doesn’t matter how your story started—you get to choose your own ending.

Lesson 17: There’s no perfect marriage. Learn the lesson, forgive each other, and move on.

Lesson 18: It’s possible to break the cycle of painful family patterns. Someone has to be the cycle breaker.

Lesson 19: When you change and grow, your relationship automatically does the same.

Lesson 20: It’s less about being right than trying to get it right.

Lesson 21: Remember your partner is a gift—so cherish them like one.

Lesson 22: There’s no one else who knows every part of you and still chooses you anyway. Consider yourself lucky.

Lesson 23: Couples who play together, stay together.

Lesson 24: Try to understand your partner’s experience. You don’t have to agree, but see their perspective.

Lesson 25: Focus on what your partner does right, not what they do wrong.

Lesson 26: The quality of your marriage determines the quality of your life.

Lesson 27: Think backwards—how do you want to remember your relationship at the end of your life? Start building that story today.