I have a confession to make.
I like being alone. I like doing things alone. I prefer not to talk to other people. I’d rather read a book or take a walk in nature.
I know how ironic this sounds as a relationship expert who advocates healthy attachment and spends over a thousand hours each year connecting deeply with others.
But here’s what I’ve learned.
My tendency toward independence was shaped by my early experiences. As children, some of us learned that depending on others wasn’t safe or reliable. Maybe our caregivers were physically present but emotionally absent. Maybe they were inconsistent in their attention or unable to attune to our needs. So we adapted. We learned to rely solely on ourselves because it felt safer that way.
This is what I call “pseudo-independence” – an adaptive strategy that helped us survive emotionally challenging early environments. But what protected us then may be hurting us now.
You see, we humans aren’t actually wired for independence. We’re wired for connection. This isn’t just a feel-good statement – it’s backed by science.
Research shows that chronic loneliness impacts our brain function similarly to physical pain. It increases inflammation in our bodies, weakens our immune system, and can be as damaging to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
The problem runs so deep that the U.S. Surgeon General has declared loneliness an epidemic in America. In the UK and Japan, the government even appointed ministers specifically to address this crisis of disconnection. Think about that for a moment – entire government positions created because we’ve become so isolated from each other.
To numb the pain of disconnection, we often turn to various forms of escape.
Some are obvious – alcohol, drugs, gambling. Others are more socially acceptable – overworking, overeating, excessive shopping, endless social media scrolling, and being perpetually busy. But they all serve the same purpose: to distract us from the emotional void within.
Society reinforces our independent tendencies by celebrating the “self-made” individual, the lone wolf, the person who “needs no one.” We’re rewarded for our independence, praised for our self-sufficiency.
But at what cost? While we’re building our careers and maintaining our carefully constructed walls, we’re losing touch with our fundamental nature as social beings.
I know this journey intimately because I’ve walked it myself. I’ve transformed my own unhealthy pseudo-independence – that stubborn belief that I didn’t need anyone – into something much richer: true interdependence.
Now I can deeply enjoy connecting with others, allowing myself to trust, to lean in, to be vulnerable.
But I’ve also discovered a different kind of solitude. Instead of using alone time as a shield or escape, I’ve learned to use it as nourishment.
When I read that book or take that walk in nature now, it’s not about avoiding connection – it’s about nurturing my relationship with myself, so I can be more engaged and attuned when I am with others.
I’ve witnessed this same beautiful transformation in countless clients. They come in wearing their independence like armor, just as I once did. But gradually, they learn to lower their shields.
They discover that being strong doesn’t mean being alone, and being connected doesn’t mean losing yourself.
You’ve mastered the art of standing alone, and that strength will always be part of who you are. But now I invite you to discover an even greater power – the profound joy and resilience that comes from allowing yourself to truly connect, to be seen, and to let others stand beside you.
