Stop Fixing The People You Love

Watching someone we love hurt is hard.

Harder than we usually admit. When someone we love is in pain, we don’t just see it. We feel it. There’s this uncomfortable feeling that says do something, make it stop.

Some of that is love. We hate seeing them suffer. And some of it, if we’re honest, is about us. Their pain makes us uncomfortable, so we quickly try to make that feeling go away. Ours and theirs.

So we jump in and fix.

Here’s an example. Your child comes home sad. “Suzie sat with someone else at lunch today.”

And you say, “Aw, don’t feel bad, you’ve got lots of other friends, you can just sit with them. Come on, let’s go get some ice cream. It’ll cheer you up.”

Or your partner comes home upset. A coworker took credit for their work in front of the whole team.

So you jump in. “Okay, here’s what you do. Tomorrow, you go straight to your boss, explain exactly what happened, and make sure they know whose work it really was.”

On the surface, this looks like the right thing. We’re helping. We’re stepping up. We even feel good about ourselves.

But a lot of the time, we’re not helping at all. We’re doing the opposite. Here’s why.

When you tell your child not to feel bad and reach for ice cream, instead, she doesn’t hear comfort. She hears something more like: I shouldn’t feel sad; what’s wrong with me?

So next time, she keeps it in. And a kid who learns to hide their feelings grows into an adult who says “I’m fine” when they really aren’t.

And when you hand your partner a step-by-step plan to go get justice, they don’t feel backed up.

They walked in carrying a rotten day, hoping to feel understood.

Instead, they got a lecture. Now they feel worse, like they’re dumb for not standing up for themselves.

Here’s the part most of us miss. When people are hurting, they don’t want to be fixed. They want to ‘feel felt’, as psychiatrist Dan Siegel says.

It’s paradoxical. The moment we stop trying to fix is usually the moment we finally start to help.

So what can we do instead? Here are 3 simple things.

1. Just listen. Really listen. Don’t sit there loading up your answer while they talk. Take it in. Let it be quiet for a second. “Tell me what happened. What was that like for you? How did that make you feel?”

2. Say the feeling out loud. When you name what someone is feeling, something in them relaxes. “That sounds really lonely.” “You did the work and they took the credit? I’d be upset too.” You’re not fixing anything. You’re just telling them you understand, and they’re not alone.

3. Ask before you help. Such a small thing, but it changes everything. “Do you want me to just listen, or do you want help figuring it out?” Most people will tell you. And most of the time, they just want to feel felt.

Letting someone feel felt is hard. It means sitting in a mess you can’t clean up, and staying there anyway.

That goes against every instinct we have. But it’s also the most loving thing we can do. Because it tells the people we love the one thing they need to hear most. You’re not alone. I’m right here. We’re in this together.

That’s the whole secret. Stop fixing. Start being present.